Day 18: Phoenix and Interpersonal relationship things

It's hard to sleep in while camping. The sun comes up, shit gets bright, and your tent gets hot inside (but if you left the windows open, you'd be cold all night, right?). So back to the Canyon we went.
The Junior Ranger program at Grand Canyon mandates a ranger-guided program in addition to the booklet, so we went for the ecology talk. Kiddo was miserable. She just wanted a pencil to work on her book, but I had lost the pencil in the car, and we were running late so we didn't stop by the visitors center to get a new one. So she didn't really pay much attention to anything the ranger said. He mostly talked about wildlife around the canyon. California condors kept flying by, which is pretty cool - they're giant birds and pretty rare, but we actually saw three at once. Nine and a half foot wingspan!

So we were off to Phoenix, where we were staying with an old high school friend of my partner. They haven't seen in each other in over a decade, and the two of us had never met. But it seemed potentially awesome, and someone I've heard about before, and therefore more interesting than a Couchsurfing host. 

We were at around 4000 miles on the trip, and we were getting in town mid-afternoon, so we stopped to get the oil changed. While we were there, they pointed out an oil leak, and we ended up getting something fixed. So Kiddo and I spent two and a half hours in the damn Meineke. It was too hot to really want to walk far, but we did venture out a bit. Unfortunately the plaza was mostly barren. We went to a Reptile Shop, saw some cool critters... and then talked about how they're not great pets because the reptiles don't get anything out of the deal, and their cages are too small.

Anyway, we arrived. The kids met each other and hit it off. I played chess with the 8 year old (he has too much of an aversion to losing pieces, to the point that he won't do even trades). I enjoyed talking to my partner's old friend (although we didn't really trade stories about my partner like I thought we would).

So I need to backtrack on the trip to provide background, even though this post is going to be long and all text because I have no pictures that would match this part of the content.

We stayed in Colorado 4 nights (compared to just one night everywhere else except the Badlands) because our friends there are awesome, and because I have a pretty new romantic relationship with one of them. She and I haven't had a talk where we labeled what's going on (although we had a so-21st century conversation by text about how neither of us has figured out how to talk about it in the blog that the other one reads). It's new and exciting and as yet undefined (other than the long distance). So... I don't know what form it will settle into, but it's a situation that makes me happy. I'm happy when I'm with her, and generally when I think about her I get a good feeling, where I miss her but not in a way that hurts or makes me unhappy... because it just makes me think of the connection we have and how it's awesome.

I say "generally" above because I have had some spots of vulnerability on this trip. And at those times, the missing/happy feelings I get about people can become missing/sad feelings.

So I had this amazing time in Colorado, and then left for a way too long car ride to meet old Internet friends in Utah. The kiddo did great, but lost it by the end (and lost it bad). We got there at 7:something, had dinner, and hung out. Normally I'd get Kiddo settled in bed and hang out more, but we were staying in a smaller building on the property (the main house is really cool but has some very excitable dogs in it). So when 10:30 or so rolled around and Kiddo tried to use an atlas as a blanket on my lap, I knew we had to call it a night. So after a short respite from a hard day, I was basically alone on the internet. I missed being in Colorado, I missed being home, and I missed the people I would have been with in those places. I was lonely.

The next night we camped in Bryce. Another long, hard day in the car, but the actual canyon was amazing and I was in good spirits. But loneliness crept in again at night. I can travel alone pretty well, but I think traveling with Kiddo can really make me crave adult company and adult intimacy (not necessarily sex, but that is also not necessarily excluded).

After Bryce came Vegas, and that was also a stop with old Internet friends. And both stops were awesome - these were people I started interacting with almost 13 years ago - it was great to meet in person. I still couldn't completely shake the loneliness at night though, especially camping again the next night. It's just me and Kiddo in the tent, and she'll fall asleep and I'll text and miss the comforts of existing relationships.

My partner's old friend in Phoenix had also been lonely and missing out on affection in recent times. So after wine, and conversation, and pot, it was late and we were close on the couch. We made some tentative physical contact, and then talked about being interested in nonsexual cuddling. And so we cuddled, and it was great. It helped shake off my loneliness for awhile, and I hope it did the same for her.
There was some awkwardness in it, because there was still some sexual tension (even with the lack of sexual intent), or at least I felt some. But the awkwardness was small compared to the pleasant intimacy of it.
When my partner and I talked about it the next day, she said it helped her feel closer to me and my trip. And I think it did the same for me - helped me feel closer to home.

And now, writing this a few days later, I'm again feeling the warm and happy version of missing the wonderful people that I miss. And that makes me smile.